It's THat Time of Month, Again
by Bobby Rae
Summary: I know it's embarassing, but hilarious. involves, Emmett getting an education in feminine products, high hormones, Ben and Jerry's, mismatched shoes, mysterious manicures and pedicures, and green eggs and ham. I will not eat them Sam I am!
1. That time of month

Disclaimer- For. The. Last. Time. This. Is. Not. Mine. Now. Lay. Off! – the songs aren't mine either.

A/N- As I was writing the first draft of _The Hills have Eyes_ I wondered; what happens when Bella has her, you know what, each month?

So, I decided to write this story, bon appetite!

(This is after the Cullens return in NM)

I was enjoying the "wonderful blessings" of womanhood; bloating, cramps, mood swings, and a non-stop craving for Ben and Jerry's and a steak. From my expertise in this area of symptoms I knew my period would start tomorrow.

I wasn't sure if Edward remembered our protocol from last year; that he and his family would basically go for a "camping trip" for a week. Tomorrow would be a Monday, so it would be better if they left sometime that night.

Charlie was gone on the few occasions of my house arrest, and surprisingly left me home with Edward, but Alice was our chaperone.

After, somehow, getting Alice into my bedroom, she paused, seeing what I wanted to ask of her.

"Don't worry, Bella, everything will be taken care of." Thank god I didn't have to tell Edward that, that's another icky situation Alice saved me from.

"Thank you so much! I really owe you one." I tried to say but was muffled as I hugged her.

"But, I'm going to stay behind; Edward would have a cow if we left you alone."

"Are you sure you can handle it?"

"Don't worry; I'll hunt before they leave. And besides, I'll be another excuse for me to sleep over!"

"No, I mean, when was the last time you were with an average human during her period?"

"Umm, well there's always a first." She started shaky and then grew with more confidence.

"Ok, but you may regret this later." That's when Edward came in from the kitchen with my lunch. He paused as soon as my message was sent through Alice.

"Absolutely not! I can't, I won't leave her!" he said in outrage.

"Edward, I don't want you or your family uncomfortable because of my… problem."

"Bella, I went without you for eight months, there's no way I'm going an entire _week_ without you." He put my sandwich on my desk in a flash and next he grabbed my hands.

"Edward, the blood won't only be the problem; I get… weird. I really don't want you to see me in that state." Edward turned to Alice; she held a blank face. Then both of them broke into laughter. What did they see me do from my overactive hormones?

"Bella, I didn't know you could dance like that!" Alice said after they both stopped giggling.

"What did I _do_?"

"You'll find out soon enough. Edward is going to stay, nothing bad will happen, except a few embarrassing moments." Alice tried to give me a reassuring look, but it didn't work because she was still trying to stifle her giggles.

Edward had to finally dazzle me to make me relax.

"Fine, but you guys must never, never tell anyone else what you witness this week."

"Fine." They both swore.

"Ok, well I have to go to the store to get some stuff. Alice, will you come with me?"

"Of course-"

"May I ask why I'm not invited?" Edward cut off Alice.

"Well, girls only; besides it'll give you a chance to hunt." I said as I grabbed my lunch and walked out the door.

A/N- ok now the fun can begin! Poor Bella… he he he.


	2. shopping

Disclaimer- now you all know this isn't really mine, so why do I have to write this every time? NOT MINE, PERIOD (no pun intended)

A/N- okay, if I seem harsh anytime during this story to any character(s), don't blame me, blame my hormones.

Alice drove me to the supermarket to buy the bare necessities. As we walked into the store, I started a mental list of what I needed to survive the week; tampons, pads, aspirin, Starbucks' frappacinos (A/N- unfortunately, not mine either), five, no six pints of Ben and Jerry's… then a loud greeting from behind me interrupted my thoughts.

"Hey Bella!" Emmett greeted, rather loudly while dragging Rosalie into the store.

"What. Are. You. Doing. Here." I said between my teeth, stupid hormones.

"Easy, Bella, Edward said not to come here, I didn't want to miss a chance to see my favorite human, so, I came here. Rosalie didn't want to miss this chance either, so we both came." Rosalie smacked him in the back of the head as he mentioned her.

"Emmett, I told you, I wouldn't be caught dead in this supermarket! Then you dragged me here, you numnut!"

"Well you technically are dead…" At this my hormones were at it's highest peak.

"Both of you, get out now, it's embarrassing enough to have my best friend and my boyfriend to see me like this; I don't want you guys to see it either! Get out!" I screamed as I tried to shove them out the door without success. Then Alice threw them out, no quite literally threw them out, thank god only the cashier was here, and he was reading a magazine, not noticing the commotion.

Alice motioned me to carry on with my shopping, while she made sure to not let them in.

I grabbed a cart then power-walked to the freezer section to meet up with my friends, Ben and Jerry.

The flavors were surprisingly wide-varied, all of my favorite flavors were here, and then the ultimate lifesaver reached my eyes, VERMONTY PYTHON. I grabbed six pints of that and headed to the feminine care aisle.

Evidently, Forks gets a lot of stock because they had everything I needed. But as I was getting my necessities, Emmett interrupted my shopping.

"What's this?" he pointed to a tampon box.

"Aren't you supposed to be at home, young man?" I asked in a motherly tone.

"Yes." He said sheepishly like a little kid caught eating cookies before dinner. "But what is that?" He pointed to the tampon box once more.

"Emmett, do I need to call Esme down here?"

"But-"

"ALICE!!!"

Alice immediately showed up.

"What do you need, Bella?"

"Can I borrow your cell phone?" she handed over her shiny, silver phone.

I dialed the house number, despite Emmett's pleas not to.

"Hello." A manly voice answered with an English accent.

"Hey, Carlisle, its Bella, is Esme there?"

"Of course." Then a new voice answered.

"Hello, Bella, what can I do for you?"

"Sorry to bother you like this, but there's a giant chump interrupting my feminine needs shopping, and I hope you could convince him to go home."

"Put Emmett on the phone, please." I handed the phone to Emmett, mouthing _it's for you_. He put the phone to his ear, which was soon followed by a frightened look. Then he gave the phone back the Alice who flipped it closed.

"Sorry for bothering you, Bella." He said like a child who was told to apologize for squirting water at the neighbors.

Then there were two.

The silence was broken by our laughter. As soon as we calmed down, we finished shopping.

We were greeted by a wide-eyed Edward as we came home with six bags.

A/N- he he he


	3. BELLYDANCING!

Disclaimer- no, really, it's not mine. The songs aren't mine either.

a/n- Danny laughed really hard when she read this and told me to write more, or else. So, I did.

Alice and I convinced Charlie to let Alice sleep over for the next week.

That night, Alice has a vision. She told Edward to go on a hunting trip tomorrow and that I should stay home from school. I agreed; the first day was always the worst.

So, Edward was going to leave that night, and come back sometime tomorrow. And I would go to school, then leave early with Alice, so, Charlie wouldn't be suspicious if he got a phone call.

"I'm going to miss you, you know that?" I mumbled to Edward as I dosed off.

"I know, it's going to be hard for me not to come back early, but Alice told me that you are going to need some feminine time with Alice."

"You mean, me being all emotional while eating Ben and Jerry's, as Alice and I watch movies."

"I guess you could call it that."

"I'll still miss you though."

"I'm only a phone call away. Now, sleep, my angel." He started to hum my lullaby; before I fell into a deep sleep I remembered something.

"Edward?"

"Yes?"

"I love you." He chuckled.

"I know, please sleep now." Then I fell into a peaceful, dreamless sleep.

-The next day, around noon

Alice and I just finished Charlotte's Web, I was having an hormone overload and was bawling.

"I didn't know that farm animals had that kind of effect on you." Alice comforted me.

After a minute, I wiped my tears.

"I need some ice cream and some mood music." I went up to my room and got out my CD labeled, 'happy tunes'.

As Alice came in my room, my mood went from sad to overly happy when the first song came on.

Four, tres, two, uno

Listen up you all, 'cause this is it  
The beat that I'm bangin' is delicious 

Alice and I began to sing because we both knew the words.

Fergalicious definition make them boys go loco  
They want my treasure so they get their pleasures from my photo.  
You could see me, you can't squeeze me.  
I ain't easy, I ain't sleazy.  
I got reasons why I tease 'em.  
Boys just come and go like seasons.

Fergalicious (so delicious)  
But I ain't promiscuous.  
And if you were suspicious,  
All that shit is fictitious.  
I blow kisses (mmmwwahhh)  
That puts them boys on rock, rock.  
And they be lining down the block just to watch what I got (four, tres, two, uno)

So delicious (it's hot, hot)  
So delicious (I put them boys on rock, rock)  
So delicious (they wanna slice of what I got)  
I'm Fergalicious (t-t-t-t-t-tasty, tasty)

Fergalicious def-,  
Fergalicious def-,  
Fergalicious def- _["def" is echoing_  
Fergalicious definition make them boys go crazy.  
They always claim they know me,  
Comin' to me call me Stacy (Hey, Stacy),  
I'm the F to the E, R, G, the I, the E,  
And can't no other lady put it down like me.

I'm Fergalicious (so delicious)  
My body stay vicious  
I be up in the gym just working on my fitness  
He's my witness (oh, wee)  
I put yo' boy on rock, rock  
And he be lining down the block just to watch what I got (four, tres, two, uno)

So delicious (it's hot, hot)  
So delicious (I put them boys on rock, rock)  
So delicious (they wanna slice of what I got)  
Fergalicious (hold, hold, hold, hold, hold up, check it out)

Baby, baby, baby,  
If you really want me,  
Honey get some patience.  
Maybe then you'll get a taste.  
I'll be tasty, tasty,  
I'll be laced with lacey.  
It's so tasty, tasty,  
It'll make you crazy.

We started dancing while singing.

T to the A, to the S T E Y - girl, you're tasty, T to the A to the S T E Y - girl, you're tasty  
D to the E, to the L I C I O U S, to the D, to the E, to the, to the, to the, hit it Fergie

All the time I turn around brother's gather round always looking at me up and down looking at my (uh)  
I just wanna say it now - I ain't trying to round up drama, little mama I don't wanna take your man.  
And I know I'm coming off just a little bit conceited and I keep on repeating how the boys wanna eat it.  
But I'm tryin' to tell, that I can't be treated like clientele  
'Cause they say she...

Delicious (so delicious)  
But I ain't promiscuous  
And if you were suspicious  
All that shit is fictitious  
I blow kisses (mmmwwahhh)  
That puts them boys on rock, rock  
And they be lining down the block just to watch what I got (got, got, got)

Four, tres, two, uno.  
My body stay vicious,  
I be up in the gym just working on my fitness,  
He's my witness (oh, wee).  
I put yo' boy on rock, rock,  
And he be lining down the block just to watch what I got (four, tres, two, uno)

So delicious (aye, aye, aye, aye)  
So delicious (aye, aye, aye, aye)  
So delicious (aye, aye, aye, aye)  
I'm Fergalicious, t-t-t-t-t tasty, tasty  
It's so delicious (aye, aye, aye, aye)  
So delicious (aye, aye, aye, aye)  
So delicious (aye, aye, aye, aye)  
I'm Fergalicious, t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t (aye, aye, aye, aye)

T to the A, to the S T E Y - girl, you're tasty. T to the A, to the S T E Y - girl, you're tasty  
T to the A, to the S T E Y - girl, you're tasty. T to the A, to the, to the (four, tres, two, uno)  
D to the E, to the L I C I O U S, to the D, to the, E to the, L I C I O U S, to the  
D to the E, to the L I C I O U S, to the D, to the E, to the, to the, to the (four, tres, two, uno)

T to the A, to the S T E Y - girl, you're tasty. T to the A, to the S T E Y - girl, you're tasty  
T to the A, to the S T E Y - girl, you're tasty. T to the A, to the, four, tres, two, uno  
D to the E, to the L I C I O U S, to the D, to the E, to the L I C I O U S, to the  
D to the E, to the L I C I O U S, to the D, to the E, to the, to the, to the, to the, to the...

As the music ended, I was on a high, on ice cream.

"What's the next song?" Alice asked, but as she finished the question, she already knew the answer. And she was squealing with joy.

Ladies up in here tonight  
No fighting, no fighting  
We got the refugees up in here  
No fighting, no fighting

Shakira, Shakira

I never really knew that she could dance like this  
She makes a man wants to speak Spanish  
Como se llama (si), bonita (si), mi casa (si, Shakira Shakira), su casa  
Shakira, Shakira 

So many memories came back to me from this song, Renee and I used to dance to this when we felt down. So, I began to dance.

Oh baby when you talk like that  
You make a woman go mad  
So be wise and keep on  
Reading the signs of my body

And I'm on tonight  
You know my hips don't lie  
And I'm starting to feel it's right  
All the attraction, the tension  
Don't you see baby, this is perfection

Hey Girl, I can see your body moving  
And it's driving me crazy  
And I didn't have the slightest idea  
Until I saw you dancing

And when you walk up on the dance floor  
Nobody cannot ignore the way you move your body, girl  
And everything so unexpected - the way you right and left it  
So you can keep on shaking it 

I never really knew that she could dance like this  
She makes a man want to speak Spanish  
Como se llama (si), bonita (si), mi casa (si, Shakira Shakira), su casa  
Shakira, Shakira

Oh baby when you talk like that  
You make a woman go mad  
So be wise and keep on  
Reading the signs of my body

And I'm on tonight  
You know my hips don't lie  
And I am starting to feel you boy  
Come on lets go, real slow  
Don't you see baby asi es perfecto

Oh I know I am on tonight my hips don't lie  
And I am starting to feel it's right  
All the attraction, the tension  
Don't you see baby, this is perfection  
Shakira, Shakira

Oh boy, I can see your body moving  
Half animal, half man  
I don't, don't really know what I'm doing  
But you seem to have a plan  
My will and self restraint  
Have come to fail now, fail now  
See, I am doing what I can, but I can't so you know  
That's a bit too hard to explain

Baila en la calle de noche  
Baila en la calle de día

Baila en la calle de noche  
Baila en la calle de día

I never really knew that she could dance like this  
She makes a man want to speak Spanish  
Como se llama (si), bonita (si), mi casa (si, Shakira Shakira), su casa  
Shakira, Shakira

Oh baby when you talk like that  
You know you got me hypnotized  
So be wise and keep on  
Reading the signs of my body

Senorita, feel the conga, let me see you move like you come from Colombia

Mira en Barranquilla se baila así, say it!  
Mira en Barranquilla se baila así

Yeah  
She's so sexy every man's fantasy a refugee like me back with the Fugees from a 3rd world country

Alice paused the CD. Her jaw looked like it could drop to the floor, it was so open.

"Bella, were did you learn how to dance like that?"

"Renee took some belly-dancing classes, I was homework." She smiled.

"Teach me."

For the next fifteen minutes, I taught Alice all the moves I knew. That took me months to perfect, she learned in minutes.

"Sometime, can we take some classes together?" I wondered out loud.

"Sounds like a date with Rose, she'll like this."

So I put on the next song, we both got into our starting poses.

Come Mr. DJ song pon de replay  
Come Mr. DJ won't you turn the music up  
All the gyal pon the dancefloor wantin some more what  
Come Mr. DJ won't you turn the music up

_[Verse:_  
it goes 1 by 1 even 2 by 2  
everybody on the floor let me show you how we do  
lets go dip it low then you bring it up slow  
wind it up 1 time wind it back once more

_[Pre-Hook:_  
Run, Run, Run, Run   
Everybody move run  
Lemme see you move and  
Rock it til the grooves done  
Shake it til the moon becomes the sun (Sun)   
Everybody in the club give me a run (Run)  
If you ready to move say it (Yeah Yeah)  
One time for your mind say it (Yeah Yeah)   
Well i'm ready for ya  
Come let me show ya  
You want to groove im'a show you how to move  
Come come

_[Hook x2:_  
Come Mr. DJ song pon de replay  
Come Mr. DJ won't you turn the music up  
All the gyal pon the dancefloor wantin some more what  
Come Mr. DJ won't you turn the music up

_[B-Sec x2:_  
Hey Mr.  
Please Mr. DJ  
Tell me if you hear me  
Turn the music up

_[Verse 2:_  
It goes 1 by 1 even 2 by 2   
Everybody in the club gon be rockin when i'm through  
Let the bass from the speakers run through ya sneakers  
Move both ya feet and run to the beat

_[Pre-Hook:_  
Run, Run, Run, Run   
Everybody move run  
Lemme see you move and  
Rock it til the grooves done  
Shake it til the moon becomes the sun (Sun)   
Everybody in the club give me a run (Run)  
If you ready to move say it (Yeah Yeah)  
One time for your mind say it (Yeah Yeah)   
Well i'm ready for ya  
Come let me show ya  
You want to groove im'a show you how to move  
Come come

_[Hook x2:_  
Come Mr. DJ song pon de replay  
Come Mr. DJ won't you turn the music up  
All the gyal pon the dancefloor wantin some more what  
Come Mr. DJ won't you turn the music up

_[B-Sec x2:_  
Hey Mr.  
Please Mr. DJ  
Tell me if you hear me  
Turn the music up

_[x4_  
Okay everybody get down if you feel me  
Put your hands up to the ceiling

_[Hook x2:_  
Come Mr. DJ song pon de replay  
Come Mr. DJ won't you turn the music up   
All the gyal pon the dancefloor wantin some more what  
Come Mr. DJ won't you turn the music up

The song ended, and we realized that Edward was in the window, with a _videocamera._

He had video tapped us doing a belly dancing routine with our shirts tucked in our bras.

a/n- -dieing of laughter- RIP Bobby Rae.


	4. Blackmail

Disclaimer- not mine!

a/n- on with the embarrassment!

The first thing I did was un-tuck my shirt from my bra.

"That was, interesting, Bella. I didn't know you could dance like that. Maybe you should dance for me sometime."

"Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, if you show that to any body, and I mean ANYBODY, you will wish that burnt it the first chance you had." Edward's crooked grin widened.

"Why would I ever show this to anyone, Bella?" Alice gasped, she saw something.

"You're evil Edward, completely evil!" had to whisper so Charlie wouldn't come up.

"What did he do?!"

"He blackmailed us so we wouldn't show this on Friday Movie Night."

"You. Wouldn't. Dare." I growled between my teeth.

"Or would I?" he dared back. I was ready for the worst, so I put on my puppy eyes. His face softened as I did this. "Aww, Bella, not the look, you know I can't resist the look." I even forced some tears into my eyes and trembled my bottom lip, to add more effect. "Ah, fine, I won't show it."

"Thank you, now please hand it over." I extended my arm, palm up. Edward's grin widened.

"I don't think I will, it may become of use some day."

"Please, Edward?"


	5. RANT

AUTHORS NOTE!!!!

Bwa ha ha, I feel really eeeevil writing this instead of a nice, shiny, new chapter!

Well here ore my excuses for my absence:

SWIM TEAM, as I have been saying for the last THREE months, but now, WE'VE WON LEAGUES!!!! And the season is now OVER and I actually have time to write.

Family issues- yeah, I don't even understand my own family; they're INSANE! Evidently, insanity runs in the family…

Friend issues, MY FRIENDS ARE WORSE THAN MY FAMILY!!!!!! Yeah, it's like the hell of Jr. High all over again, sigh. Well, not all of my friends are bad, it's just my bffl. She's acting like she owns me and that I'm just dumb.

DAWG issues, please don't ask, I have 2 great danes, it's enough in size, but when it comes to obedience, zip.

Health issues, 2 syllables: ASTH-MA.

Ok, that's it with my ranting of my lack of personal life… ok, I'm going to rant to you guys….

PLEASE REVIEW DAMN IT!!!!! C'mon, does it really take that much time to review?

HOW TO REVIEW A STORY:

scroll down to the bottom of the page using your mouse.

Using the right clicker, click on the periwrinkle button that says "GO"

When the window comes up, login if you have not done so earlier (Do I really need to explain to you how to login?)

Click on the giant, white square with your cursor and start typing with your keyboard

When you're done, click on the "send" button, and you're done!

Now did that take so long? I timed myself and it took 67 seconds! And I have dial up!

I have at least one story where NO ONE REVIEWED! Please, I need to know people are reading my stuff! You know, feedback!

Now stop wasting time by reading this; REVIEW!

REVIEW!!!! STOP READING THIS!!!!

NOW!!!!!


	6. Out the Window with Pink Floyd

Disclaimer- not mine!

a/n- on with the embarrassment! Thanks for responding to my rant... 20 reviews within 20minutes! I'm impressed, also I'm very sorry for the absence. Now, please enjoy!

-----

The first thing I did was un-tuck my shirt from my bra.

"That was, interesting, Bella. I didn't know you could dance like that. Maybe you should dance for me sometime."

"Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, if you show that to any body, and I mean ANYBODY, you will wish that burnt it the first chance you had." Edward's crooked grin widened.

"Why would I ever show this to anyone, Bella?" Alice gasped, she saw something.

"You're evil Edward, completely evil!" she had to whisper so Charlie wouldn't come up.

"What did he do?!"

"He blackmailed us so we wouldn't show this on Friday Movie Night."

"You. Wouldn't. Dare." I growled between my teeth.

"Or would I?" he dared back. I was ready for the worst, so I put on my puppy eyes. His face softened as I did this. "Aww, Bella, not the look, you know I can't resist the look." I even forced some tears into my eyes and trembled my bottom lip, to add more effect. "Ah, fine, I won't show it."

"Thank you, now please hand it over." I extended my arm, palm up. Edward's grin widened.

"I don't think I will, it may become of use some day."

"Please, Edward?" he tried to dazzle me, but in the end my hormones won.

"Fine, I won't show it, but I will take a good look at this later." Even though I thought it was humanely impossible, his crooked smile widened ear to ear. "Where did my innocent Bella learn how to dance that way?" Before I could answer, he got his answer through Alice's thoughts. "You knew it all along and you never told me bout it? Bella, I'm shocked, I thought we didn't keep secrets from each other!" he put on a mocking, shocked face.

"I'm sure you have some up your sleeve too, Edward!" he looked at me sheepishly. "There, that proves my point! Now swear to secrecy, give me the tape, or suffer the wrath of my hormones!"

He thought about that then smiled, "Ok, I'll only use it for personal viewing purposes only."

"Thank you, now please leave." I couldn't believe what my hormones were making me say. Evidently, neither could Edward.

"Bella, silly, silly, Bella, I can handle the temptation." Alice giggled; I smirked; knowing what I was going to say next.

"I know _you_ can handle it, but my hormones can't. Now, goodbye." And for once in a swift movement (and with a straight face and without harming myself) I pushed Edward Cullen out my second story window, locked the window, then Alice got some cloth and hung it over so outside viewers couldn't see in. And to add to my amusement, Edward was frozen in shock and didn't move and inch from where he landed.

"Yeah!" Alice gave me a high-five.

"Huzzah! Girl power!" we did a little victory jig.

And then a really good song came up. I grabbed my ice cream pint and started to dance with Alice.

When it came to the chorus, we sang along.

"It's raining men, hallelujah! It's raining men, that's what I said!" (A/N- I honestly don't know if these are right, I just know the song, not the singer or the name of it…)

**The Next Morning**

I woke up on the floor in my bedroom as my buzzer went off.

I felt, awful. Then it hit me; period plus B and J sugar low equals extreme grogginess.

"Morning, Sleeping Beauty!" an overly hyperactive vampire cheered.

"Ewww," I moaned. She laughed. "I can't go to school today; I'm allergic to mornings." I stretched which resulted in a leg cramp, so I got up to stretch it. And then I noticed my toes.

They were painted black with the crystal Pink Floyd logo with specific details; each color of the rainbow was visible when I looked at them closely.

"Alice, you attacked my toes!" she laughed.

"Bella, I didn't do them, you did! Look, you even did mine!" she showed me her toes which were detailed with the Beatle's Yellow Submarine, in which the sub looked like it was swimming as she wiggled them.

"No way, I _did_ those?!" I looked at my nails; they were painted black, no details whatsoever. "Did I do my nails too?"

"No, I had to do them, you insisted on painting "The Wall" on them, I had to paint them black so they matched your toes, you honestly ought to share your talent with everyone! I love what you did to my nails!" she wiggled her nails in my face; they had "Blue Meanies" from the "Yellow Submarine" movie.

"I couldn't have done these, Alice! Are you just kidding me?"

She laughed, "Actually, I am, I wanted to see how long I could fool you." We both laughed at that.

"So, you were just kidding? Were you making bets with Emmett and Jasper?" her face turned serious.

"No, Bella, you seriously painted them! I was being sarcastic!" Now I was confused.

"Wait, ugh! I'm too gullible in the morning! Did I paint these or not, Alice?!"

"Yes, you did, Bella! I just felt like messing with your head! You kept talking last night! Charlie came in last night twice last night because he thought that Edward was in here, you can really strike up a conversation in your sleep, Bella."

I felt a hot blush creep up my cheeks.

"Ok, now that you're done embarrassing me, can I go back to bed? I feel like shit!"

Alice put on a mock, shock face, "Bella, you have such a colorful vocabulary! Should I call Esme for disciplinary consequences?" I wasn't in a mood to put up with this.

"Shut up and let me sleep damn it, Alice! I absolutely hate Mother Nature and Aunt Flo right now! All I want right now is some asprin and some sleep!" I snapped, geez, could my hormones get any higher?

"Okay, okay, I'll tell Charlie that you're staying home today and you just sleep! You tell your hormones to take a chill pill, ok?" she patted my head.

"Thank you." I laid back down and shut my eyes. I waited for Alice to walk downstairs at a human pace to fully relax.

When I was finally comfortable, I realized I really had to go to the bathroom.

Great, a good start to a _perfect_ day.

_A/N- sorry about my rant in the last chapter, I've cooled down now. Thanks to Raven Minor for setting me straight, love ya'll! Reviewers get early valentines! It might be a little bit until I reveiw again, I have other stories to update... it won't be long though... SORRY!!!_


	7. BOOMSHOCKALACKA!

A/N- wo-aow! Nice reviews!!!!! You should pat yourselves on the back 'cause I wouldn't have updated for another day if it weren't for you guys! I love you all! –Tears of joy-

Although, I feel bad for the last chapter, poor Eddie, he didn't know what was coming to him…

On with the Hormone high! P.S.- I tried a new B and J flavor last night, Crème Brulee! –sigh- it was… ok, I really can't describe it taste-wise, but it's how I imagine what Edward smells like to Bella, really sweet and creamy…

It was another day off.

Charlie left me under Alice's supervision.

She wanted me to do Rosalie's nails.

"Alice, I don't know how I did that last night! I'll probably screw them up so badly that they will permanently scar for eternity! And she'll just _love_ me for that."

"Oh, come on! You can paint fake nails then we'll glue them on! She'll just love them!"

I thought about this, there was no harm in this; the glue would wear off, eventually. The only bad side to this, that I saw, was that if she _really_ liked my handy work, she might make me do her nails for the rest of eternity.

"Ok, I guess I could try… but, if I screw up-"

"We won't make you do it again." She finished my sentence for me. "Ok! Lets go nail shopping!"

I groaned, "Is there any kind of shopping that you _don't_ like?"

"Nope." She popped the "p".

"Ok, I'll grab some clothes and a bite and I'll be ready."

"I'll get out some clothes, you get what you want!" she sprinted to my bedroom; I probably had a minute or two to make and eat something.

One thing popped into my head, Pop Tarts!

I grabbed a packet form my stash in the cabinet and popped into the microwave, it would take too long to toast them.

After ten seconds, I realized that I forgot to take off the foil wrapping.

Before I could press the stop button, BOOM!! A bunch of sparks and a miniature explosion went off in the microwave. Out of nowhere Alice showed up.

"Bella! I zone you out for one minute and you make the microwave explode! Now the microwave is broken, well that's something else to pick up later." She poked the now partially black appliance, and more sparks went off within it. "Well, I'll take care of this. Your clothes are on your bed. Edward wants to come in your window, I said that he has to get your permission to come in."

I walked upstairs, thinking about what to say to him after my hormone-induced actions last night.

I came in to find Edward in my open window with a single, red rose.

"You made the microwave explode?" he smiled my favorite crooked grin.

"It was an accident, are you coming in?" he smiled, came in and gave me the rose while pecking my cheek. "Thank you; missed you."

"And I you."

"Are coming with us today?" I stroked the silky pedals, an old habit I picked up when I was young.

"Only if you want, my exotic dancer." I scoffed.

"Ugh, are you ever going to let me forget about that?"

"Maybe in a century or two." He hugged me. I scowled.

"Whatever, you can come with us if you want, but keep the bellydancing jokes to yourself." I grabbed the clothes, walking to the bathroom.

_A/N- ok, that cliffie was mean, but I promised a review that I would post this by 4:15 and it's 4:14!_


	8. Insideout and Backwards

A/N- J2LYK- All of what happens in this story is based off of REAL experience! That or from strange dreams… but anywho, on with the show!

Part I- The Dream

_I woke up on the floor of my bedroom again with Alice 'sleeping', from a bad dream. I realized that I really needed to go to the bedroom for 'feminine reasons'._

_I got to the bathroom to realize something; I was out of feminine products! _

"_Alice!" I half shrieked._

"_What, Bella?!" she ran to the bathroom, throwing the door almost off it's hinges._

"_I'm out of pads and tampons!" _

_Her eyes glazed over, having a vision. "Crap! The store is out of them! We'll have to go to Port Angeles!"_

_We rushed into Emmett's jeep, which for some odd reason had graffiti all over it. Then I remembered that we had trashed it the night before out of boredom._

_We were just about to drive in to the nearest Walgreen's, when Alice had another vision._

"_All of the stores in the state are out! We'll have to drive to Oregon!"_

_We just passed the 'Welcome to Oregon' sign when I heard a strange buzzing. I looked at the dashboard, THERE WAS A BOMB!!!!!!_

_Just as the speeding numbers counted down to zero…_

I woke up.

That would be one of the twenty weirdest dreams that I've ever had.

"Bella, time for school." Alice shook me.

"Just give it a rest, I'm up." I got up reluctantly. I didn't want to go, but unfortunately, I had already missed three days. But the good news was that Edward went in our absence and 'helped' me finish all the homework I missed.

I walked into the bathroom, getting ready for school.

I reached into the cupboard under the sink, and pulled out a single pad; that was the only pad/tampon that was left of my stash.

A huge déjà vu wave crashed into me. The dream was an omen, a bad omen.

"Alice! Can you run to the store really quick for me?" I was sure she already saw this.

"Ok, we'll stop on the way to school. Now, get dressed!" I tried to get dressed as fast as humanely possible, which ended up with my sweatpants and shirt inside out and backwards.

That gave me a brilliant idea.

"Hey, Alice! We've got to do some snow rituals tonight!"

She came into the bathroom and laughed.

"Bella, it's June, I highly doubt that there will be a snow day tomorrow. And why are your clothes inside out and backwards?"

"It's part of the ritual! You've got to do it too or you'll jinx it!"

"This is beyond ridiculous, Bella."

"Come on, Alice, let me enjoy my human moments while I still can!" She sighed and I knew that I won. In a few seconds, Alice had her entire outfit on inside out and backwards.

"Ok, can we go now?"

"Ok, I've got to get my shoes." She came back in a flash with my converses. "Alice, the shoes have to be mismatched too." She sighed once again and returned with the lone stiletto from last year's prom and one converse. I knew better than to argue with her death glare, I would fall a lot today, but the stiletto showed off my toenail handy work nicely.

I looked at her footwear, a frog slipper and a leather boot. "Nice, I like your style, comfy yet stylish."

"Bella, we're leaving." She dragged me downstairs to a very amused Charlie.

"I'm not sure if I want to know…" he looked at us like we were insane, I would bet a thousand dollars (if I had that much) that Alice was rethinking my sanity as well.

We got to the store, which unlike my dream _had_ feminine products in stock, and made it to school a few minutes before the bell rang.

Edward waited next to my spot in first period. He looked at my outfit and laughed. A few other students laughed too.

"Wow, Alice wasn't kidding. You seriously think we're going to get a day off tomorrow?"

"It's worth a try, besides, miracles _do _happen. And you're going to jinx my miracle if you don't make your outfit inside out and backwards too." Ha! Now I could get some revenge for taping us!

"Bella." He pleaded.

"Edward, I really _need_ this, you know, some good memories from humanity." I whispered to him. He sighed; I won.

"Fine, I'll change next period."

"And don't forget to wear mismatched shoes!" he looked at my feet.

"If I didn't know that it was that time, I would think you were going insane." He kissed my forehead.

"But you'd still love me!"

He couldn't answer because the teacher started class, but Edward passed me a small slip of paper. _I would love you even if you __were__ insane._

I placed my hand on his, which was on the desk; we stayed that way until the bell rang.

Part II- The Making Of

By lunch, Alice and I had started a new trend, half of the senior class had their clothes on inside out, backwards, and they traded their left shoe with someone.

"So, what's next on the snow day ritual list?" Alice asked as I was eating spaghetti. She, of course, had already seen this and was just asking for Edward's sake because we decided to keep him in the dark until he decides to burn the tape.

He had been asking on and off to tell him what's going on.

"It's Crystal Light time!" we both shouted. And then we poured individual packets of lemonade Crystal Light into bottles of water and put the caps on.

We got up and started to dance/shake the bottles all over the cafeteria.

Almost all of the student population looked at us as if we were from another planet. Some tables laughed while some stared, and even one (cool) table even got up to dance with us when they realized that it was towards a snow day.

When we made a full circle around the room, we sat down. I opened my bottle and started to chug it. After I was done, Alice handed me hers.

"BLUUUURP!" I belched soon afterwards. Alice was laughing hysterically while Edward was giving me the same look he has since we stopped dancing; he was in shock.

"Excuse Me," I said in an innocent voice. That broke Edward's shocked face.

"What has possessed my innocent Bella?" I gave him an evil grin.

"I am the messenger of Shiva, I demand you give me the tape!" I said in a possessed, creepy voice.

Alice laughed.

"I'm sorry, but I have it in my vault and I can't give it to you right now. Can I have my Bella back, please?"

Part III- The (Somewhat) Miracle

"Good night, Dad."

"G'nite, Charlie."

"Sleep good girls." He looked up at us, "Why do you girls have- never mind, I don't want to know anymore, I give up."

We laughed and walked upstairs with our spoons.

"Put it under your pillow" I instructed Alice.

We both put them under the pillow, as we did, a knock came at the window. I opened it up to Edward with the tape.

"About time, Shiva's messenger was getting impatient." He handed me the tape.

"Now can I sleep over?"

"Fine." I closed the window behind him, and then I sat down on the sleeping bag.

"Why are you sleeping down there?"

"It's girl rule, if you have a sleepover with a girl, then you have to give her the better sleeping place." He laughed.

"Then what if a guy sleeps over?"

"Then he can sleep wherever the girl wants him too, even if it means in her closet." Alice giggled. "What?" I asked her.

"We're going to have a day off tomorrow!"

"Really?"

"Yeah, but you won't believe why!"

"Did it snow?"

"No! There's a floods warning!"

A/N- ha ha, I thought you might like this one, everything happened in real life, except getting the day off; I was so pissed today…


	9. Green Eggs and Ham

IMPORTANT AUTHOR'S NOTE!!!!

(please read)

A/N- I'm finally inspired for a new chapter! And all of these are based off of REAL LIFE experiences, so I'm sharing my embarrassment with you all.

And I'm sorry to the readers of my other stories, I've had some major arguments with my mom's computer, and the damn thing won't let me upload new documents. I'm probably uploading this from my laptop from the outside of the bank; it's the only free wi-fi hotspot in Canandaigua (yes, I live near where a bunch of my stories take place, but please don't look me up). So, I can only update here and at my dad's house, where I only go to twice a month… but I've already written five new chapters, so it gives me more time to write. And I've changed my myspace (to people who have been trying to look me up) profile name to Monster Mug and my regular name to Bobby Rae, maybe that would help you guys find me. And if you ask me to make you a friend, I'll probably email back and ask you if you're from the FF site. And please don't be offended by the last name, it's a personal joke between me and friends at school, just don't sound it out.

Now my A/N has taken up your time!

The next morning…

I woke up on the bed, not on my normal place on the floor.

"Morning, sleeping beauty." I felt Edward kiss my forehead.

"Morning," I noticed that the room was missing someone. "Where's Alice?"

"She went hunting, you bled a lot last night."

Crap. "Do you need to go to, I can handle myself till you get back."

"No, silly girl, I'm fine. I got over it." Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.

"Oh," then something came to me. I got up.

There was a small blood spot on the sheets. CRAP!

I checked my butt; there were bloodstains all over my bum. I quickly pulled out a pair of boxer shorts and quickly changed out of my sweats, thank god the pad protected my underwear.

"That was amusing, maybe I should stay over more often." Edward laughed.

"This is a frikin' national crisis! This is a one time show!" I pushed off the bed and stripped the bed. I ran both my pj's and my sheets to the bathroom and washed out the bloodstains, thankfully, they both came out easily.

I walked them down and shoved them in the dryer, so they would be ready for tonight.

I met up with Edward in the kitchen, "Sorry, about that, that was embarrassing."

"Well it was quite amusing to me." I growled back at him. "Sorry, umm, what would you like for breakfast."

I decided to make him work, and my hormones were at a sky high and I had one of the weirdest cravings. "Green eggs and ham, please." Thankfully, I already knew how to make this; Renee and I made these in the first grade.

I could tell he was judging my sanity.

"I need to take a shower, it'll give you time to figure it out."

I took a shower, taking my time so his fast mind could figure it out.

I came down with my wet hair in a pony, to Edward looking in a cookbook. "It's not going to be in there, Edward, here I'll show you."

I got the box of food coloring from the cabinet. Then I used the mixing bowl and eggs that Edward already got out.

I added three drops of green coloring to the scrambled eggs.

I fried them; to the best I've done in a while. "Volia! Green eggs!" I poured them onto a plate and added some mozzarella cheese on top.

"Bella, that looks simply revolting."

"Won't you like some green eggs and ham?"

'"No, I do not like green eggs and ham, I will not eat them, Sam I am."'

"Would you eat them here? Would you eat them there?"

"No, I would not eat them here, I would not eat them there, I would not eat them anywhere."

"Come on, Edward! Just try!"

"I can't digest them, Bella."

"Man! I was going to do a whole 'Sam I am' thing until you ate them. God, you are such a party pooper!"

"I refuse to eat some human food that looks like playdough that I will just have to throw up later."

"You're no fun." I ate the green eggs as Edward made faces, "If you don't like it don't look!"

"Sorry, I have no idea why you would eat that though."

"It's no mountain lion, but it's amusing." I ate in silence, when I was finally done I started to clean up.

"I'll do it, you go and change."

"I thought we weren't going anywhere. The flood warnings said to stay at home."

"I know, but we're meeting Alice at my house."

"Ok."

I went upstairs, to find Alice on my bed.

"I guess I missed the whole breakfast performance, didn't I?"

"Yeah, I didn't get Edward to eat it though. I lived a lie! I thought you could get anyone to eat green eggs and ham!"

"I'll eat some next time you make it, just to humor you though, I wouldn't do it for anyone else."

I opened my door to talk down the stairs, "See? Someone will be nice to the human and will actually TRY it!"

"Whatever, Bella." Edward groaned.

"Nice, well here's some clothes for you." Alice put some folded jeans and a shirt into my hands.

I changed into my clothes in the bathroom, where I got an urge that caused a massive amount of squealing in the other room. Alice had seen it.

I walked down the stairs. "God, I think it's the apocalypse."

Edward looked at me with a confused look; Alice was blocking her mind.

"I want to go shopping."

A/N- haha, actually this happened to me this morning, except I didn't have two vampires to annoy me. My mom and I went through the half of 'Sam I am' before I was all like "You know in the end that you will try it, right?"

She liked it.

Well, I guess I'll see you around!

Bobby Rae


	10. SHOPPING!

A/N- the last days of spring break have been, well boring, and in these uneventful days I haven't been inspired to write, until

A/N- the last days of spring break have been, well boring, and in these uneventful days I haven't been inspired to write, until, yesterday. I haven't been able to write until today, Saturday morning, and I'm only partially inspired, so please pardon my absence of updates. Also, I've been beta reading for a friend, so yeah.

Disclaimer- as I've always said, Twilight is not mine; I just like to mess around the characters… their minds are fun to mess around with.

"I want to go shopping." I groaned. Edward laughed.

"Wow, Alice is really going to benefit from your hormones, Bella."

"But I have some conditions, Alice." She smiled.

"Yeah, I know, you shop for me while I shop for you, no designer stores, and don't show you the price tag."

"I think you've got it." Her laugh sounded exactly how someone would imagine, almost like bells, if you could imagine that.

I went to the door, putting on my shoes. "Wow, someone's excited to shop." Alice said from the other room.

"I would call that statement hypocritical, Alice."

"Just get ready Bella, the rest of the family will be back by tonight."

"Oh, really?" she pointed to her temple.

"Yes, it's your last day, today." Thank God for that!

"Yay! Lets shop to celebrate!" I jumped up from tying my converses to hug her.

"Your more exuberant than normal, Bella." I growled.

"Enjoy it while you still can." I went to hug Edward; he greeted me with a sweet kiss. "Are you coming?"

"No, I'm going to greet the family back, and I have some business to cover." I heard Alice growl from the other room. "Personal uses, Alice." I decided not to ask, I just wanted to go.

"Lets go!" I ran out the door into Alice's Porsche.

She was in the driver's seat before I was buckled in.

We were soon at the Port Angeles mall.

"It's nice to be with someone other than Rosalie to actually want to shop with me." Alice sighed.

"Well, once a month you can get me to do it." We both climbed out of the car.

"Where do you want to go first?" Alice asked me, it's been awhile since I was in charge of where we were going.

"Uh, well…" Alice laughed.

"Lets just walk around until we hit a store that looks good for you." We walked until we were in front of a store that blasted loud music and the only visual in was the doors, the windows had wooden blinds covering them; Abercrombie and Fitch.

"Um, I guess we could try this one." I mumbled. As soon as we walked in, I felt suddenly out of my comfort zone. Three salespersons were wearing stylish clothes and were giving us glares.

We walked further into the store, none of the clothes suit our personality, it said Jessica and Lauren all over them. I looked at Alice, who wore an evil grin, knowing what I was going to say.

"I sense satanic waves coming from the walls!" I screamed and ran out of the store, feeling a weight lifted off my shoulders as I ran out with Alice, looking back at the shocked stares from the three salespersons in the store.

We ran all the way to the food court, laughing so our sides hurt.

"Nice." That was all Alice could say. 

"Didn't you see that happening?" I asked her between breaths.

She calmed down, "If I did tell you, you wouldn't experience the evilness of Abercrombie and Fitch, and just to warn you, American Eagle and Hollister have the same environment."

"Great," I saw an ice cream store, I felt my stomach ache; I've eaten all of the ice cream that I bought on Sunday.

So we walked around the food court, stopping to get a soft pretzel. 

"Where do you want to go?" 

"I don't know…" we were in front of a Hot Topic, "Maybe here?" It ended up like a question than an answer.

We walked in, a guy with his ears gouged and had several other piercings came up to greet us.

"Hello, ladies, is there anything I can do for you today?"

At least this store had good customer service, "No, we're just looking right now. We'll let you know if we need anything."

We walked past him into the back of the store, where there were accessories.

I got a really good idea. "Hey, Alice?"

"Yeah," she said, examining a pair of angel earrings, made completely out of string.

"I think we should make it a rule that whatever we buy for each other we have to wear for the rest of the week." I saw her face go blank, she was having a vision.

She smiled as evilly as I did. "Deal." We shook hands. "And no complaints."

I decided to be really evil with this, I went to the front of the store, where there were clothes.

I picked out the most non-Alice outfit even conceived, and I picked out some shirts that I liked for myself, mostly graphic tee shirts.

When I went back to Alice her eyes almost went out of their sockets.

"Remember the deal, Alice. I'm still not done." She groaned and took them to the dressing room. She came out with a "Invader Zim" cami under a fish-net sweater, and a black mini skirt.

I dragged her to the accessories and picked out a matching arm warmers, bat earrings, spiked choker, green and black striped leggings and clunky black 3-inch combat boots.

The salesman, whose name was Steve, helped us pick out some other outfits for her, after telling him about our little deal.

I wasn't done.

We went to the make up area, I grabbed all things black. By the time I was done, Alice looked really looked like a vampire.

"Nicely done, Bella." Steve high-fived me.

Just to humiliate Alice more, we had her sit on the cashier desk so Steve could scan all of the tags on the clothes she was wearing, and he threw out the clothes she came in so she couldn't change later.

We waked out of Hot Topic with five large bags and an evil looking Alice. Her black lips formed a smirk.

"My turn." She looked REALLY evil now. I decided to be calm about this, it was only a week; what could she do?

BIG mistake.

We skipped -I don't know why, it probably was my hormones- to Charlotte Russe.

She asked the front desk to hold all of our bags as we shopped.

I was led to a dressing room. "Stay here, I'll get you something to wear for now." She ordered me.

The gothic pixie came back with a white, Victorian silk blouse with a ruffled collar, a red Edwardian (A/N- loi, no pun intended) corset, leather black pants, and a deadly pair of 3-inch knee-high leather boots.

I was going to die.

"This isn't it, Bella, we have all day." I quickly dressed myself, Alice took my clothes and asked the saleslady to throw them away.

Alice led me to the front desk, where she put several different beads around my neck, all were pearl, one had a cross on it, ironically enough. She poked two, large silver hoops through my ear lobes, and put a ridiculous amount of bracelets and rings on my hands.

Then I saw what was on the front desk, being bought.

A wide variety of skirts, even though most were knee length, they were black, some with floral patterns, a variety of blouses, many like the one I was wearing, and three other corsets. I also saw five shoeboxes. I didn't even want to know what she got me.

Also, like what I did to her, she made me sit on the desk so the cashier could scan all the tags of what I was wearing, cutting them all off once she was all done.

Once I was all scanned and we were both walking, well, I attempted to walk; I had to hold Alice's hand for support, out of the store. We both had at least twelve bags, so he had to deposit them in the car.

As we were walking back from the car I was going to demand my turn, but Alice interrupted me, "It's still my turn, Bella, I still get to do makeup and nails."

"Wait, I never did nails on you!" I scowled.

"We'll go to the same place, and now, Sephora's!" she pointed to a store that looked very pricey but I reminded myself of the deal.

The first thing she did once we got in was she deposited me in a tall chair, "What here." She said in a dark voice, I wouldn't want to disobey her.

She left to come back with a handful of makeup with the label, Urban Decay, on them.

She started to attack my eyes first with a eyeliner that had sparkles in it, "Who would name an eyeshadow 'smog'?" she asked me.

"No idea. Why would they name their brand 'Urban Decay'?"

"Point taken." 

By the end of our little discussion she was all done with attacking my face. She led me to a mirror nearby the person in the mirror was, mysterious, sophisticated, and beautiful. 

"Wow, you're brilliant."

"I know."

"My turn!" I squealed in delight, much to Alice's dismay.

She used her gold credit card to get the makeup she used and some other products she liked.

I was starting to get the hang of wearing the boots by the time we hit the next store, a private boutique called Parkleigh, which was the size of half a department store.

The store had a really good atmosphere; that was due to the fact that the first part of the store that you entered was spa materials. We spent about five minutes in that area, grabbing soaps and salts that smelled good. I spotted a really cute Scottie shaped bar of soap. I got it for the bathroom at home.

We moved on to the next room/department, it was handbags. And lots of them. But one caught my eye.

A bright red hand bag, in the shape of a handgun, with a small chain as a shoulder strap.

It was perfect.

"Alice! Can I get that? Pretty please?" I asked her like a little kid would ask for a puppy.

"That's cool, as long as I can get one in pink." She grabbed two boxes, that contained each in red and pink and put them in a basket that she had in her arms. 

"We match!" I squealed. I was acting very Alice-y today.

And what was next to the purses were the icing of our shopping trip, bumper stickers.

"Oh my God! Alice, we have to put this on Edward's Volvo!" I picked up a sticker that said, "I'm not gay, I just really like rainbows."

"That's brilliant! And this for Emmett's Jeep!" she picked up a sticker that said, "I smile because I have no idea what's going on."

We ended up getting enough bumper stickers to cover the bumper of every Cullen car except Alice's porcshe. This was going to be the cherry on top of a prank sundae.

A/N- ha! Cliffie!


	11. AN

Hey, I'm sorry for the A/N,

Hey, I'm sorry for the A/N,

Ok, here's the gig, I've written the last chapter for "It's That Time of Month, Again" and some more chapters of others, but I can't load them up because my flashdrive has gone AWOL and I can't get an internet connection through my MacBook at my mom's house. Thankfully, I should be able to update everything this weekend when I get to my Dad's, so please don't kill me.

I've also found out that I will have to close my account in September, so I plan on finishing most of my stories and posting more until then. I purposely made my agenda for the Summer almost blank so I can update like crazy.

But with this, I'm going to put a couple of my stories up for adoption. I want them to be finished by an author that knows what he/she is doing, whereas I'm just screwing it up.

Please PM me if you want to adopt these stories:

Spirited Away _(I have some ideas for this, but it's your call if you adopt this)_

Emmett in Global 9

Blinded

6 Years Later

Distractions

Insomnia

Thanks for waiting, I'll post things up soon.

-BR


	12. BUMPERSTICKERS! Fin

A/N- I promised several that I would work on this chappie ASAP, so here it is

A/N- I promised several that I would work on this crappie ASAP, so here it is.

MEANWHILE AT THE CULLEN RESIDENCE!

Edward was working against the clock on his Macintosh, for he had three minutes till the rest of the family got home and twelve until Alice and his fiancée to arrive.

The iDVD program said that he had two minutes left till the DVD would be finished. He tapped his fingers impatiently on the oak desk, counting down the seconds.

Less than one minute… Then the worst happened.

The computer froze.

"No! Don't freeze on me. Please!" he begged the machine. It just whined in response.

Edward heard the gravel crunch and a "Lucy, I'm home!" from Emmett.

Edward swore every profanity in every language that he knew. He abandoned the helpless machine and trotted downstairs.

"Where are the girls?" Esme asked as they walked into the front room.

"Shopping." Edward sighed as he flopped on the couch.

"Figures." Rosalie snorted as she gracefully sat next to her husband on the love seat. "Of course Alice wanted to take her shopping."

"Actually, it was Bella who wanted to go."

"No, way. You're shitting me." Emmett laughed.

"Language, Emmett." Esme scolded him from the kitchen.

"No I'm not," Edward sighed. "You wouldn't believe what happened this week."

For the next fifteen minutes Edward retold the week's events, everything except the bellydancing, he did make a promise.

Then their vampiric hearing heard the sound of the Mac eject the DVD that Edward burned.

"What was that?" Emmett asked as Edward raced up the stairs, as he got the disk from the disk drawer.

"Just a CD, Emmett." Edward growled.

"If it was, why would you be protecting it like that? Is it porn?"

"No, don't be absurd-" Edward couldn't finish the sentence though, Emmett took the disk away.

"Edward has something that he wants to share!" Emmett ran it downstairs and popped into the DVD player in the family room.

"NOOOOO!!" two, high-pitched voices screamed from the garage.

BPOV (5 minutes earlier)

Alice and I successfully hid our scents and was hiding in Carlisle's BMW with the box of stickers. Alice was concentrating on keeping her mind blank. Edward was in his room.

We went through our plan earlier. I was going to sneak out, I was wearing socks so I wouldn't make any noise with my high heels (that I would leave with Alice), and put the stickers on each car accordingly as I tried to breath properly. The corset that Alice forced me in the mall made it hard for me to breath, I was sure it was Alice's revenge. She was still in her gothic pixie attire, I could see Invader Zim through her bright purple fishnet sweater.

Our plan would be put in action when the rest of the family got here in 3, 2, 1. The garage doors opened and Emmett's enormous jeep pulled in. Carlisle, and Emmett got out from the front as Esme, Jasper, and Rosalie got out gracefully from the back. I saw Jasper peak in our direction, crap, I forgot that he could feel Alice's concentration and my devious thoughts. I looked at him through the tinted glass and put my finger to my lips. He smiled deviously and acted as if he was just looking around the garage.

"What do you think they did while we were gone?" Emmett asked as they walked into the house.

As soon as they shut the door behind them, I sprang into action. Power walking while trying not to trip on my own two feet, I went to the back of Carlisle's car. I took off the back of each sticker and stuck them on the back. Once I was done, I had a collage of strippers dressed as nurses and a few extra bumper stickers.

_Being "Over the Hill" is much better than being under it!_

_NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medication._

_God must love stupid people; He made so many._

_The gene pool could use some chlorine._

_I have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do you want fries with that?_

After admiring my handiwork I moved on to the Jeep.

_I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every moment of it._

_I used to have a handle on life, but it broke._

_Beauty is eye of the beer holder._ (we chose this one because Alice told me the countless times he boasted about making the best moonshine with his family from Appalachia.)

_I'm not a complete idiot- some pieces are missing._

_Out of my mind. Back in Five minutes._

_Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?_

_A hangover is the wrath of grapes._

_I smile because I have no idea what's going on._

Then Rosalie's M3, in which I had a hard time to vandalize because it was such a beautiful convertible.

_Being a snobby bitch is just one of my charms._ (I didn't like this one, but Alice said Rosalie would actually like it and keep it on)

_My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't._

_Did you have a bowl of stupid for breakfast?_

_Take a number and shove it up your ass._

_They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken._

And Finally. Edward's Volvo.

_I'm not gay, I just really like rainbows._

_The trouble with life is there's no background music._

_Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive._

_You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me._

_Some people are alive because it's illegal to kill them._

I was smoothing a 'My little pony' sticker on the bumper when Alice emerged from the BMW with wide eyes and screamed. Her scream was so loud that it hurt my ears.

"Edward! You are going to die!" my eyes widened as I got what she meant, the rest of the Cullen family was watching our video.

My first reaction was to run into Edward's Volvo and hide as Alice ran into the house.

And for some reason, Jasper came into Alice's car as soon as she left with the most evil smile I had ever seen.

Emmett POV

As I popped in the just made DVD, Edward, Rosalie, Carlisle, and Esme came into the room.

"Don't you dare," Edward roared at me and at the same time a shrill, high-pitched voice screamed at Edward.

"Edward! You are going to die!" a small, black blur tackled Edward. "I can't believe you would do this to us!" and then Alice looked at me, and I couldn't help but laugh at how evil Alice looked.

"Wow, this is a new one, Alice." Rosalie said smugly from the couch. "Dinner and a show, nice."

Then the movie started to play, but before the first shot, the power went out.

"Oh, come on!" I groaned. Alice was positively beaming in the darkness, she knew what was going to happen next. I heard the DVD player eject behind me, and someone breaking the DVD into two. And then, we heard the person who took out the lights turn on the lights in the garage, where everyone fled to.

"I am _not_ a snobby bitch!" Rosalie hissed.

TWO WEEKS LATER— (BPOV)

Finally, after trudging through the week in the clothes that Alice made me wear, I was able to just wear jeans and a t-shirt again.

All of the Cullen family and I were sitting in the family room watching AFV.

"Now, we received this video, and evidently, they forgot to delete the first half. So we are going to show it all!"

Then _the_ video came on, the one with Alice and I dancing. I heard my jaw pop as it dropped. Jasper said he would edit the video, taking out that part_._

"Jasper!" Alice and I yelled, and of course, he sent a calming wave to shut us up.

We were so going to get him back.

A/N- I think this is going to be it, if I write anymore I'll make a sequel and write an A/N here.

Thanks for reading! Love ya!


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